5-Hour Energy Drink: Because Cocaine Is Illegal

Flickr photo by mararie

The 5-Hour Energy Drink burst upon us in TV commercials like this week’s hot singer on American Idol. Suddenly there it was – the perfect, legal halfway point between coffee and cocaine.

You can stay awake and alert for hours (like coffee and crack), suddenly feel smarter than you are (like coke), with no Charles Bukowski-like crash (and there’s the major improvement over the white powder).

But is all that true? It acts a lot like the illegal stuff.

They say their competition is coffee, but … sniff, sniff … we know what time it is.

You know how pharmaceutical products have to list the possible side effects in their commercials, right? And you have probably thought, “Gee, those side effects sound worse than the ailment.” Well, here are a few of the complaints 5-Hour Energy Drink users have experienced, not for an ailment, but for a malady called “I’m a little sleepy”:

Niacin flush (a burning sensation on face and legs, and redness of skin), dizziness, nausea, vomiting, heart palpitations, insomnia (complain about sleepiness, will you?), chest pain, and numbness in the arms and legs.

5-Hour Energy Drink is not recommended for children under the age of 12, pregnant women, and people who have high blood pressure. We would extend that non-recommendation to every living person.

So here’s an idea … how about getting enough sleep at night?

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About Do Not Eat This

A side project by Grist.org
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17 Responses to 5-Hour Energy Drink: Because Cocaine Is Illegal

  1. proticaresearch says:

    I don’t know much about 5-hour energy but recently i tried Sunkist protein and its amazing
    I would highly recommend it as it as got a smoothing flavor. Do check it out at http://sunkistprotein.com/index.html

  2. Juan says:

    @ustasanick NOS is pdecurod by the High Performance Beverage Company, a division of Coca-Cola company, and licensed by Holley Performance, which owns the trademark.

  3. Hans says:

    Luke / We must try this when you move back! I am very instreeted…and impressed you came up with that haha

  4. Xisco says:

    Hilarious! I love the flourishy sig. I think it’s so cute that she was thknniig of you. I think she just wanted an excuse to talk to her Mama. .-= Heather Kephart s last blog .. =-.[]Twitter: Reply:October 29th, 2009 at 12:57 pmAmanda created the signature a few years ago. Cool2heme means something, but I have forgotten what. Her friend Emily came up with it. She would never admit she just wanted to talk to me. []

  5. J says:

    This is quite an extreme post… 5 hour energy compared to coke? Please! Read a book or something

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